Doncha just love him?

6 September 2018

I mean, of course, Reverendissimum ac eminentissimum Dominum, Dominum Blasium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem CUPICH …

So neat, so sweetly petite, so invariably kempt with never a hair out of place … what a credit he is to his Nanny, God bless her! What a perfectly precious poppet he is! Don’t you just long to throw your arms around him and give him a great big hug … I address, of course, my female readers … And just think that the dreadful Dr Kirk has described him as not being the sharpest knife in the drawer … these Ordinariate bloggers really are the limit …

What a revealing explanation poor little Cupich has indeed given of why PF is right to refuse to answer questions about the Vigano Testimony: He’s too busy sorting out Ecology and Migration … and, Lo, right on schedule, last Saturday PF launched an attack on Plastics … the Plastics of Satan have, one gathers, entered through some crack into the Church … It all reminds me of a story I heard from an American round about the time of the Viertnam War. A woman is explaining how her husband is truly Boss: “He makes all the important decisions … international politics … who should be the next President … nuclear war … I just make the small unimportant decisions about things like how we spend the money, where we live, how we bring the children up …”

Life really is hilarious, isn’t it? I know many of you long each day to hear that this pontificate has ended, and of course I’m totally with you really, deep down; but we shall lose an awful lot of laughs when it does end. I have manufactured neat little notices which I pin up whenever I come across an example of some non-reader of Laudato si having fly-tipped rubbish in a beauty spot; or on beaches covered with curial condoms: POPE FRANCIS HAS BEEN INFORMED, or BIG FATHER IS WATCHING YOU.

Perhaps PF should also devote his attention to the interplanetary environment and become ktistes, Founder, of the first colony on Mars (Belgranoville? Antinoopolis Martia?). The first colonists could consist of the surviving prominent clerical homosexuals listed in that gigantic dossier Pope Benedict left for his successor in the Papal Safe …

“What’s that you say, Holy Father? You never saw that dossier? Nobody ever told you there was a safe in your study? And, in any case, someone else had mislaid the key? If you do ever come across the dossier, of course you will take action? You only learned about it from the newspapers? Through absolutely no fault of your own you are surrounded by people who constantly misinform you and brief you badly?”

Of course, of course, of course. We know how it is. Don’t worry. Nobody blames you. There there. Don’t cry …

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