English bishops to be replaced by jelly-babies

riday, 20 April 2018

English bishops to be replaced by jelly-babies

Following a report describing the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of England and Wales as a “spineless bunch of jellies”, Pope Francis has decided to dismiss all the bishops and replace them with jelly-babies. “They may be a little rigid,” he admitted, “but they’re a lot cheaper to maintain, and most people will notice very little difference.”jelly babies

Your new-look bishops. Cardinals in red, of course.

Although individually some of the bishops (Egan, Davies, …) do regularly show signs of non-gelatinous behaviour, it has been noticed that, when they gather together, their collective decisions are a disaster. It is best to clean out the fridge entirely, and start again.

This week, the bishops had a four-day party in Hinsley Hall, Leeds, and were fortified by a massive supply of cinnabons left over from Arthur Roche’s days and some vintage Nuits Saint Geoffrey Boycott (Yorkshire Burgundy).

The bishops must have considered making a joint statement on the decision of Ealing Council to promote the culture of death (abortuaries), block free speech, and ban vigils. This would have offended the pressure groups 40 Days for Death and Bad Counsel Network, of course, and made the Catholic Church do something that Jesus never intended – shine a light into the darkness of secular death-culture. Bishop Egan, to his credit, had already spoken out, but we have failed to locate any statement from the Cardinal Archjelly of Westminster.


The CBCEW pose for a group photo.

More bizarrely, the jellies issued a statement on the Alfie Evans case, in which the State is trying to enforce euthanasia on a child whose illness has not been properly diagnosed, going against the wishes of the parents to seek treatment away from Alder Hey hospital. Apparently, it is in the “best interests” of the child that he be bumped off (and sadly, we think this will ultimately happen); if you have any comments suggesting the removal of life-support facilities (such as food and drink) from brain-dead members of the judiciary, you should probably keep them to yourself.

It’s nice, once in a while, to see something good in Pope Francis.

What the bishops didn’t notice, in their cinnabon-induced stupor, is that Pope Francis is sticking up for Alfie. Said a spokesman for the Liverpool Archdiocese, “We didn’t even realise that Alfie was a Catholic. Next you’ll be telling us that Archbishop McMahon is a Catholic, ha ha ha.” So that puts paid to Vincent Nichols’s dreams of being Pope Francis II, and we’ll probably end up with Tobin instead. Nighty-night, Catholic Church, we did love you, Baby.

LATE NEWS: Cardinal Vincent Nichols has issued an angry statement on the Pope’s decision to replace him. “Wobble, wobble, blobble, globble, wobble!” he says. That’s telling him!

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One comment on “English bishops to be replaced by jelly-babies

  1. [In addition to their statement in praise of Alder Hey Hospital’s “professional” treatment of young Alfie Evans (even hitmen act “professionally” in their line of work), further evidence that the BritChurch bishops need to be replaced with jelly-babies]
    Catholic bishops say they’re committed to pastoral care of transgendered/mutilated people
    Fri 20 Apr 2018 – By Cara Bentley
    Catholic bishops in England and Wales have said they believe in the distinction between male and female but wish to have mercy on transgender people.
    The clergy discussed the issue of gender at their conference in Leeds this week.
    Bishop John Sherrington, the auxiliary bishop of Westminster said: “We recognise that there are people who do not accept their biological sex. We are concerned about and committed to their pastoral care.”
    He added: “We wish to extend compassion and accompany them in the way that they live out their faith.”
    Wanting to highlight how the Catholic Church desires to be understanding towards those struggling with gender, he said: “There is a place of welcome for everyone in the Catholic Church.”
    He explained their position theologically remains the same: “Therefore we emphasise these foundational differences and the way in which they do shape our understanding – that’s in contrast to those that argue that the individual is free to define himself or herself today.”
    In a joint statement, the bishops said: “We are deeply concerned that this ideology of gender is creating confusion.”
    “We hope for a renewed appreciation of the fundamental importance of sexual difference in our culture and the accompaniment of those who experience conflict in their sense of self and God-given identity.”

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