Motel 6 Announces New Employment Opportunities

The Occupied City 10/04/18 2015 GMT

Reporting by SFORZA Senior Editors Vi Tuperati, O. Clarissimo, Pietrogiovanni Masserati & Bob Woodward (courtesy, the Washington (Com)Post)

Msgr. Guido (“.38”) Speziale told select SFORZA editors earlier this evening that his little known office, La Via Secreto, a division of the recently consolidated Vatican Media conglomerate,was tasked by a highly influential cardinal to hire as many soon-to-become-political-refugees from America possible. The move is to bolster flagging PR efforts by the new “maxumum authority” Vatican Press in the wake of consecutive disastrous events in which the Bergoglian papacy has suffered traumatic image declines in worldwide polling.

“Si, eetsa pretty grim right now. We justa were informed that the number of nations banning newsfeeds from our web site and telex services is up to 27,” a heavily perspiring Speziale told SFORZA veteran journalists.

“The new idea is to recruit Mueller from the Special Prosecutor’s Office, since he looks like he’s dead meat, and bring in younger talent, like Jimmy Kimmel, another on-air suicidal commentator, to help us launch a two pronged counter attack against Semi-Pelagian periodicals and websites, y’see?”

Speziale continued, “Mueller is expert in covering up security threats and the Kimmel guy can keep everyone distracted by inventing new insults against the First Lady and other easy targets. We need to buy time and those two can get it for us. His Humbleness knows his own time in office could end in weeks so he has called for a, how you say?, full court press.”

An interruption occured during the private briefing when Steve McQueen walked in, dressed in black and wearing an officially holstered sidearm. He was smoking a Chesterfield. Enzo Masserati recognized him instantly and asked, “Can you still buy those?”

McQueen explained, “Sure. I’m in the 4th level of Purgatory but got a two week parole to check out if you guys could use a good wheel man. Sounds like you may need one, PDQ. And, yeah, about the smokes? In Purgatory there is no time by the standards you guys know. This is a fresh pack from 1961, much tastier than the dreck they peddle in your era. Take the pack. I got a few cartons before I logged out. By the way, you need to put a new padre in charge of your office for the canonization of saints. Those lefty saints you canonized are still in levels below mine. Let me know if you need a driver. I’m an expert in Porsches and Mustangs but stll good enough to handle any Italian sports car you wanna use.”

SFORZA editors returned their attention to Msgr. Speziale, asking his thoughts about the apparition. “Routine. We had Bl. Pius IX come by last weekend. He was smoking a panatella from the cigar shop he had installed in Vatican City in the 1850s. He told me to tell Francis not to release the exhortation last Monday but I couldn’t convince His Humbleness that I had spoken with Blessed Pius. He asked if there is no hell, why would there be a Purgatory? So, it was released and my two top staffers, one taught dogmatics in Poland, asked for reassignment just this morning.”

SFORZA editors thanked the priest and assured him our staff would welcome any further news updates.

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