New German Catechism Project?

AQ’s crack Heretical Foreign Pubications Div. has just learned of an extra super secret “Kata-Schism” project about to be released in time for 535th anniversary of the birth of Martin Luther in select German dioceses. The idea is to have it written up by young German Catholics who have interviewed their local bishops.

AQ’s HFP Div. obtained a draft of one of these exchanges, between 15 year old Rudi Hopenpray and his diocesan leader, Bp. Vielhipundmodischer.

Herewith, a sample of what German kinder may be memorizing…

Q. # 1. Who made me?
A. The German Conference of Bishops has not quite decided on that one. With all the thrilling biotechnology advances in our Vaterland, the question has been referred to a panel of scientists. We will let you know.

Q.# 2. Can you at least say why I was made?
A. There are conflicting theories about that, too. Culturally, if you are a good athlete or mathemetician or luxury auto designer, the Vaterland can use you. The same can be said if you are attractive, female and fertile. Germany’s native birth rate seems to have fallen a bit and we could become an arab suzerainty in another decade or two if we don’t do something.

Q. #3. Why are you evading my questions?
A. Bitte, try to understand. It requires significant diplomatic effort to placate highly sophisticated German citizens in our day. Not offending anyone, except for semi-Pelagian stick-in-the-mud fuddy duddies, is a top priority in the German Conference of Bishops.

Q. # 4. But what about God?
A. Who?

Q. # 5. God! The Father of us all, His Son and the Holy Ghost. The Trinity!
A. Be careful, now. Gender norming laws may apply, depending on which diocese you live in. And, fines can be steep.

Q. # 6. Are you sure you’re a bishop?
A. Ach, naturlich! I live in a palace, have an unlimited expense account and am frequently in Rome for conferences.

Q. # 7. I give up. Can you at least tell me what is sin so I may avoid it, bitte?
A. Ja, gern! Sin is any violation of Der Pabst’s New Patadigm. Such as, having an air conditioner set below 85 degrees or mixing paper with plastic in a recycling bin.

Q. # 8. I have to go to Confession if I do any of those things?
A. Go to what?

Q. # 9. Honestly! What do I need to go to Confession for – which sins?
A. Which what?

Q. # 10. Sins! Bad things. Words, acts or thoughts against the 10 Commandments.
A. The 10 which?

Q. # 11. May I go now, bitte?
A. Ja, feel free. Just be sure to ask your parents to file their tax return on time. We have new additions going up at my residence and the contractor is a real stickler about getting paid…


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2 comments on “New German Catechism Project?

  1. From the Truth-Is-Stranger-Than-Fiction-Or-Satire Dept.:
    The New German Catechism actually exists; the English-language edition was published by the neo-Catholic Ignatius Press/Communio Books.
    Note the authors and editors, especially Mark Jordan, originally a neo-Thomist who gravitated to queer-Thomism and came out of the closet while a religion professor at Notre Dame and then moved on to better things – eventually a multi-million dollar endowed chair at Harvard Divinity School.
    The text was basically “orthodox”, but some of the notes were “controversial” – such as accepting evolution and polygenesis (rather than monogenesis) and favorably referring to Rahner’s “anonymous Christian” and Von Balthasar’s criticism of the Church’s teaching on Christ’s descent into Hell as not only “particularly unpalatable” but also “unintelligible and foreign to most Christians.”
    Bibliographical description:
    The Church’s Confession of Faith: A Catholic Catechism for Adults (Communio Books) (English and German Edition) Paperback – Ignatius Press, October 1, 1987.
    By Catholic Church Deutsche Bischofskonferenz (Author), Mark D. Jordan (Editor), Walter Cardinal Kasper (Editor)
    “Authored largely by Walter Kasper under the aegis of the German Bishops’ Conference”

  2. Ach, so. Sehhhrrrrr interesant, nicht war?

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