The crimes of Cardinal Pell

Thursday, 29 March 2018

The crimes of Cardinal Pell

A transcript of a confidential telephone conversation between Mgr Embezzla of the Vatican Bank and Superintendent Didgeridoo of the Australian Police.E: Well that didn’t go to well, did it? We asked you to frame Cardinal Pell for child abuse, so that he would stop his investigation into our financial – ahem – irregularities, and you’ve been found out!

D: We did our best, cobber. We wanted to nail him too, you know, for his opposition to same-sex marriage, and to the other plans we’ve got. We’ve had a crack team working on the case.

Pell and police

“We heard he possessed a beretta, so we sent 10 officers to arrest him.”

E: Yes, and it turns out that all the dates and times are wrong. Even Pope Francis can give him an alibi.

D: Don’t worry about him. He won’t give a definite answer to any questions that Pell’s counsel puts to him. Even cardinals can’t get a straight answer from the Pope.

E: Yes, but the 200 witnesses who were present when he offered Mass?

D: We think he bribed them all with promises of eternal life.

E: Well, never mind that. Can you trump up any other charges?

D: Yes, we think he may be the infamous swagman who was part of the Waltzing Matilda gang.

Waltzing Matlida

Could this be Cardinal Pell?

E: Sounds good. Get him for jumbuck-rustling! Will Matilda give evidence?

D: No, she died about 100 years ago. Although we might try forging some emails from Banjo Paterson. Or his descendant, the liberal Catholic, Guitar Paterson.

E: It all sounds a bit flimsy to me.

D: All right, one final idea. He’s fond of cricket, isn’t he?

E: Yes…

Pell, Pope, cricket bat

Cardinal Pell explains how he helped Australia win the Ashes.

D: Then he’s obviously the mastermind behind the new Aussie ball-tampering scandal. He brings shame on an entire nation. If that doesn’t put him behind bars, nothing will.

E: Look for traces of incense on the cricket ball. If you can’t find any, we can supply some.

D: It’s great to work with you.

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One comment on “The crimes of Cardinal Pell

  1. LOL! BE’s really crankin’ ’em out these days. Der Furor’s li’l Asyl für Theologisch Wahnsinnige is the mother lode of pure comedy gold.

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