The Dictator Pope

The Dictator Pope

Tuesday, 5 December 2017

A new book by Marcantonio Colonna has revealed that behind the image of Pope Francis as a humble, merciful, foot-washing, baby-kissing uncle there lies the heart of a fiend.

Charlie Chaplin

A chaplain who once mocked Pope Francis disappeared without trace.

Amongst the revelations in this startling book are the following:

* General Galtieri never wanted to invade the Falkland Islands in 1982, but simply wished to devote himself to breeding llamas. However, the rector of the Philosophical and Theological Faculty of San Miguel, one Jorge Bergoglio, pushed him into a costly war.

Pope Francis and Matthew Festing

Francis issues threats against Fra’ Matthew Festing’s pet hamster.

* Pope Francis very humbly refuses to allow his friends to call him “Holy Father”, preferring the term “Generalissimo”.

* Pope Francis refers to his Swiss Guards as the “Stormtroopers”: there is a secret elite corps in the Swiss Guard that is responsible for assassinations.

Swiss Guard

Everyone fears the SG.

* The original title of Amoris Laetitia was Liber Terrae Dominationis – a manual of world domination – but the Pope was persuaded that this was too obvious.

* Two of the cardinals who submitted the Dubia to Pope Francis have died – as Oscar Wilde (or possibly Agatha Christie) put it, to lose one might be a misfortune, to lose two looks like a remarkable stroke of luck for someone.

Steve Colbert

Alt-comedian Steve Colbert swears allegiance to the Pope.

* All Jesuits are Licensed to Kill.

* Pope Benedict is being kept prisoner in an underground cell in the Vatican, emerging only for photo-opportunities with glasses of beer.

* The name “Francis” was chosen as a tribute to Francis Ford Coppola, the producer of the Godfather films.

Pope and Evo Morales

“I like the hammer and sickle, but could you remove the religious bits?”

Of course, I haven’t read the book yet, and it may be about something else entirely.

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2 comments on “The Dictator Pope

  1. The story about Pope Francis having kidnapped the Knights of Malta commander’s pet hamster and holding it hostage for several weeks has not been confirmed. Whether that rumor was being spread by the Dominicans due to their historic rivalry with the Jesuits or by supernumeraries of Opus Dei, as a deliberate satirical parody of anti-Catholic black legends about the Jesuits may be possible. There are internal struggles going on in the Vatican which have heated up from the battle over Amoris Laetitia the dubia, and the Correctio Filialis, alleging heretical tendencies of the pontiff.

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