Saturday, May 20, AD 2017 Donald R. McClarey

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

Facing financial ruin due to the high cost of trying to provide their son with a good Catholic education, sources confirmed Thursday that parents of high school freshman Johnny Irving, Tom and Lisa, are quite impressed with their son’s growing knowledge of every tenet of every religion, but Catholicism.

According to the freshman’s parents, Irving has gained an immense amount of knowledge about the Koran, The Analects of Confucius, and the Book of Mormon in his class Fundamentals of Catholic Doctrine 101.

“It’s breathtaking the amount of non-Catholic knowledge he’s learning in his Catholic Doctrine class,” Lisa Irving told EOTT. “We’re about a paycheck or two away from filing for bankruptcy just so Johnny can learn about everything but Catholicism at a Catholic school, but it’s so worth it. He always comes home telling us interesting things about Catholic teaching like how according to the Church the most important doctrine is coexistence. And how the Church teaches that it’s pointless to evangelize since a person’s own consciousness, being infused by a higher spirit, stirs within him or her at birth and sanctifies every belief, whim, or desire that person has. I didn’t know that. Probably because I went to Catholic school when classrooms had crucifixes and whatnot in them.”


Lisa went on to say that, though her son still has never heard of the Nicene Creed, that he had memorized several verses from the Koran that incidentally mention Jesus, and that through Buddhist teachings, he has come to learn about Christ the bodhisattva.


“Listen, some people might think $40,000 for a four-year high school education seems absurd, ” Lisa Irving went on to say. “But tell that to me when my son graduates summa cum laude, which of course he will graduate with since every student in that fine scholastic institution graduates with that honor.”

At press time, Johnny is studying for his midterms in one of the school’s mandatory classes, Advanced Being Nice.

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  1. Küng Fu: Modernism the Legend Continues

    Master Po: What is troubling you, Grasshopper?

    Kwai Chang: I am confused, Master.

    Master Po: What is confusing your mind, Grasshopper?

    Kwai Chang: Why has Johnny learned all about The Analects of Confucius, The Book of Mormon, the nine types of the Enneagram, and the compassionate mind of the Buddhahood of the Bodhisattva, but has not yet learned the Nicene Creed at his Catholic school?

    Master Po:Ah, Grasshopper, strange are the ways of the cycle of karma and maya. It is very rare for an African elephant to go Disco dancing in the style of John Travolta through the eye of a needle, but a tortoise must always look both ways before crossing a busy road even when it is raining lightly on a chilly day.

    Kwai Chang: Forgive me, Master. Your Zen riddles are always most entertaining, but what does this mean?

    Master Po: Ah, Grasshopper, riddles and puzzles are methods by which we attempt to stimulate mindfulness and awareness. Come, we must sharpen your Taoist and Zen awareness some more so that you will understand the absurdity of this postmodern moment. If a caterpillar hears a Shelby Mustang convertible racing down the highway at 95 miles per hour which hexagram from the I Ching would indicate a more favorable opportunity to cross the road?

    Kwai Chang: I am certain that your wisdom is deep, but I cannot be certain of the right answer to such an absurd question, Master. Do you wish me to play some more Jethro Tull runs on my flute while you consider the next Zen koan with which to tease me?

    Dylan: What style of interior does that Shelby Mustang convertible have, Master Po?

    Mr. Roarke: It must have Corinthian leather. Would you like Corinthian leather interior in a Shelby Mustang convertible, Tattoo?

    Tattoo: Yes, Boss.

    Professor Jürgen Habermas: Has Johnny learned the Marcusean analysis of commodity fetishism underlying the alienation and self-estrangement of modern bourgeois culture yet?

    Hans Küng: I vuz going to say zat!
    But we should review the Enneagram numbers first…

    Ann: Who’s Jürgen Habermas?

    Reverend Neuhaus: That’s my opening…. Forgive me for interrupting again as aggressive and pushy professional Protestant converts sometimes do, but this might be a good time to discuss the Naked Public Square in modernity, Max Weber’s concept of disenchantment in modern culture, and Professor Taylor’s secularization theories…

    Carol Brady: Mike, if you could put that book down for a moment, I thought you should know that I went off the Pill…

  2. Sitting on a park bench
    Eying little girls with bad intent

    Kwai Chang: But why does Ian Anderson hide his joy, Master? Did he learn this in a Catholic school?

    And the graven image you-know-who —
    with His plastic crucifix —
    he’s got him fixed —
    confuses me as to who and where and why —
    as to how he gets his kicks.
    Confessing to the endless sin —
    the endless whining sounds.
    You’ll be praying till next Thursday to
    all the gods that you can count.

  3. Hans Küng: We should be clear, by suggesting that we consider the Enneagram numbers first, I did not mean to imply that Zen Buddhism was less important in ecumenical dialogue.

    Father Mulcahy, S.J.: Of course, the Naked Public Square in modernity opens things up for a deeper and more complete analysis of the problems of secularization in general….

    Reverend Neuhaus: Which leads to my next point concerning this business about the so-called Benedict Option and the spiritual crisis and malaise of modernity that we find ourselves in. If we are going to probe deeper into Alasdair MacIntyre’s ethical thesis in After Virtue: A Study in Moral Theory at some point we will need to deal with Maritain and our good friend Reinhold Niebuhr, particularly in The Nature and Destiny of Man and Moral Man and Immoral Society: A Study in Ethics and Politics where….

  4. Kwai Chang: Ah, Grasshopper, why does any man hide his joy?

    Kwai Chang: I cannot be certain of such a thing, Master.

    Master Po: But you must try, Grasshopper. If Aesop’s Tortoise did not respond to the challenge of the Hare, would he ever finish the race?

    Kwai Chang: You are trying to tease me with another Zen koan, are you not, Master? You wish to trick me into considering why passive-aggressive Jansenists masquerading as giddy neo-Catholic charismaniacs hide their joy by endlessly scolding at others and moralizing self-righteously over and over again…

    Master Po: But why would I do such a thing, Grasshopper?

    Ian: Walking through forests of palm tree apartments —
    scoff at the monkeys who live in their dark tents….

    Dylan: There could be a reason that Master Po is hiding his joy. Oops, I’m out of rolling papers, man….

    Father Mulcahy, S.J.: Of course, there are moments when hiding one’s joy would be appropriate. We don’t sing “Kumbaya” or “Joy to the World” at funerals, for instance…

    Reverend Neuhaus: If we could just pick up on this point about Niebuhr and the Lutheran approach to the crisis of modernity…

  5. Kwai Chang: I am worried, Master.

    Master Po: What is worrying you now, Grasshopper?

    Kwai Chang: I am worried that humorless passive-aggressive closet-case sourpuss Jansenist types in Opus Dei will scold me and sneak up on me to try to take away my flute because they wish me to hide my joy because they think showing too much joy is sinful.

    Master Po: But that is my job, Grasshopper. Where is that dreadful thing?

  6. Hans Küng: Of course, there are other occasions when displaying joy too flamboyantly in public is not appropriate.

    Master Po: What would those be, Father Küng?

    Hans Küng: When the pastor is discussing strategies of Marxist praxis in the dialectic of class struggle and Liberation theology after returning from a trip checking on the conditions of the Revolution in Latin America.

    Father Mulcahy, S.J.: Please continue…

    Hans Küng: The bourgeois complacency of the laity in the congregation must be broken and they must be made to feel the sadness, anger, and shame that the pastor feels as he inspects and makes an inventory of the bourgeois commodity fetishism infecting the congregation which can only be tamed by higher levels of confiscatory taxation.

    Kwai Chang: So that is why they are hiding their joy, Master!

    Reverend Neuhaus: That’s my opening….

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