Knights Of Columbus Amassing Troops In Preparation For Vatican Takeover Of Malta

Knights Of Columbus Amassing Troops In Preparation For Vatican Takeover Of Malta


Tensions have escalated between conservative and liberal Catholics today as Knights of Columbus members amassed on Malta’s border, which was recently annexed by the Vatican.
Maltese U.N. Ambassador Marcallino Galea told EOTT this morning that the Knights of Columbus had amassed more than 40,000 knights on the border of Malta.
“These numbers may reflect some very bad intentions and this is the last thing we would like to happen,” Galea said. “Our hope is that the Vatican will come to its senses and that they will come to understand that they cannot continue order us around and to tell us where we can or cannot park in our own parishes.”
Pope Francis has pledged to take counter-measures against Malta, which he accused of sending saboteurs into the Vatican to carry out liturgical-terrorist acts in which priests say the Latin Mass in Rome.
Pro-Vatican separatists have been fighting near Malta’s border for months now, with hundreds of Maltese civilian casualties from shelling, mines, and tickling people to death with fluffy ostrich plumes from their stupid hats.
“Casualties are horrific, yes, but what is worse than death is that they are infiltrating our churches and nagging parishioners about becoming members of the Knights of Columbus. They are torturing innocent bystanders by continually reiterating how good their life insurance policy is. Please send help.”

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11 comments on “Knights Of Columbus Amassing Troops In Preparation For Vatican Takeover Of Malta

  1. Brave Heros in Malta stay strong ! As an act of defiance against the wearers of the mighty ostrich feathers, I am burning my Nights of Columbus insurance policy and 3rd degree card ! Momento Mori! I am also joining the Masons to be closer to the Popes and plan to subvert their one world religion policy under Luther ! Help is on the way !

  2. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

    Cardinal Biggles tortures the victim with the soft cushions.

  3. Brave Sir Robin: Yes, we’re just getting started.

    Sir Galahad: Some trouble about condoms, isn’t it?

    Brave Sir Robin: That does sound serious.

    King Arthur of Camelot: What law gives a South American modernist who isn’t even a Catholic anymore the right to take over a medieval order of Knights?

    Father Mulcahy, S.J.: He does have a point. You have to be a Catholic to be a Knight of Malta. So the person controlling the Knights should also be a Catholic.

    Sir Lancelot: It did seem a bit overly dramatic for a modernist inveighing about “dialogue” and the Spirit of Vatican II.

    King Arthur of Camelot: It’s the principle of the thing. It’s an attack on a sovereign nation which distinguished itself in the Crusades. I think we should help them out.

    Sir Lancelot: I told you before. I’m not in the Knights of Malta. I’m with the Knights of the Round Table. You’re out of your jurisdiction!

  4. Dingo: Oh Gentle Sir Knight, it was naughty Zoot who has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I’ve just remembered, is condom shaped. Grand Chancellor Boeselager will be so angry! It causes him grievous trouble with the pope. You must punish us, punish us and the neo-pelagian Cardinal Burke.

  5. Sir Galahad: Which brings us to an important point in this saga. Where did Brother von Boeselager hide these condoms?

    Brave Sir Robin: I’m sorry, Sir Galahad. That’s against the rules!

    Father Mulcahy, S.J.: Oh, yes, I’m afraid that is against the rules.

    Sir Galahad searched the castle making note of a variety of heretical tendencies which suggested Albigensian influences…

    Famous Historian: There is evidence suggesting the persistence of the Manichean heresy right through modernity….

    Zoot: There was a Knight of Malta who left a suspicious package here a few nights ago…

    Sir Galahad: I think this has gone far enough!

    Sir Lancelot: Sir Galahad is in grave peril and almost certain temptation!

    Sir Galahad: You really ought to show me what Brother von Boeselager left here or tempt me no longer!

    Brave Sir Robin: Oh, yes, it’s time for a commercial!

    Brother Maynard: It says “who am I to judge?”

    • Rule no. 1: No poofters.
      Rule no. 2: No prophylactics.
      Rule no. 3: No poofters.
      Rule no. 4: Who am I to judge?

    • Zoot: Yes! Yes! Stop tormenting me! Brother von Boeselager did leave the condoms here!

      O, woe is me. Oh, how we women suffer under this patriarchy. I should have told you: Brother von Boeselager doesn’t like girls! There, I said it. He imprisoned us girls here with the condoms and will kill anyone who dares to breach our portal. Now you must leave.

  6. So, the big question is: where do the Knights of Ni enter into all this?

  7. Grand Master of the Knights Who Say Ni: We are no longer the Knights Who Say Ni.

    Grand Master of the Knights Who Say Ni: We are now the Knights who say Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang ‘Who Are We To Judge?’.

    King Arthur of Camelot: Knights who until recently said ‘Ni!’, will you join us in a most noble quest to lend chivalric assistance and aid to our brother Knights of Malta to preserve the sovereignty of their medieval order according to the most august laws of knighthood in Christendom?

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