Christmas gifts for Bergoglian Catholics

Christmas gifts for Bergoglian Catholics

Posted by Bruvver Eccles on Wednesday, 30 November 2016

The chocolate Luther


Give your loved one a statue of his or her favourite heretic, made entirely out of chocolate! Bodily nourishment as well as spiritual nourishment! Warning, may contain nuts.

Also available: Arius, neo-Pelagius, Mohammed, Kasper, Tina Beattie, etc.

The Dubia game.

Fun for all the family. The players divide into two teams, and one person is designated “pope”. The members of the other team are allowed to ask five questions in order to try and decide whether the pope is Catholic. The members of the pope’s team must do all they can to prevent the pope from giving a direct answer: legitimate tactics include threats, insults, and claims that the answers have already been given. Dice not supplied.

N.B. See comment below for more on this item.

Pope Francis dressing-up kit.


Let your kids dress up as their favourite pope (not counting Benedict)! Includes white vestments, book of insults, etc. We even provide a scribbling book in which your children can write their own apostolic exhortations! Deluxe set also includes a small “aeroplane cabin” in which they can invent new doctrines.

The Eccles HeresometerTM.


Fun for all the family. Point this at your friends, and it gives off a piercing screech if it detects any heresy. Use the “Report” setting to shop Grandma directly to the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith!

WARNING: this device may overheat if used in Jesuit communities.

NOTE (From Highland Cathedral, 1 December 2016): Due to import restrictions the The Eccles HeresometerTM is not on sale in Germany. The German authorities have decided that noise levels from the use of this item in Germany might exceed current acceptable levels of noise pollution. Austria, Switzerland, Belgium and the Netherlands are considering implementing a similar measure.

Miniskirt of mercy


The miniskirt of Mercy is no longer available, but a miniskirt of Anger will be released soon.

Or buy the latest DVD: The Silence of the Popes.

Trailer: Scorsese with his five wives (current and four former – with some of their new hubbies) meet Pope Francis

In Martin Scorsese’s The Silence of the Popes a Jesuit pope is elected, who manages to remain silent in spite of numerous questions from his flock. Recommended by Fr James Martin SJ!

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One comment on “Christmas gifts for Bergoglian Catholics

  1. Posted by Bruvver Eccles on Saturday, 26 November 2016

    At last – the answers to those five dubia

    Two months after a group of cardinals sent a letter to Pope Francis with five yes/no questions or “dubia”, we have a definite answer from Fr Antonio Spadaro SJ, the pope’s key adviser and well-known comic genius.


    The pope’s fool, er spokesman, Fr Antonio Spadaro.

    Now, the old “traddy” answer to the five dubia would have been “NO, YES, YES, YES, YES,” but that’s not the way that Jesuits answer questions, so we have five rather fuller answers. Just to keep you on your toes, Spadaro the Holy Father has put his answers in a random order.

    Q1. It’s not easy to discern the answer to this one. Start by asking yourself: are you in Germany? For the answer will be different.


    Cardinal Marx: “Ve ask ze qvestions!”

    Q2. Well, yes and no. Or to put it another way, no and yes. Which doesn’t mean that I don’t have an answer, just that you haven’t asked the right question.

    Q3. Let me answer this question with another question. Why don’t you go away and stop bothering me? You may think Malta is a come-down but remember Napoleon was sent to St Helena. Know what I mean, Ray?


    Cardinal Burke reflects on his new appointment.

    Q4. It’s a definite “maybe” to this one.

    Q5. If you answer yes or no, then you deny your own Buddha-nature. However, according to the hermeneutic of confusion, you may answer “Mu”. Or, in Italian, “Cosi Cosa”.


    Magnus Magnusson: “Your special subject for Mastermind was “Catholic doctrine”, and you passed on 5 questions.”

    I hope that this puts an end to all the unseemly Catholic bickering. Roma locuta est, causa finita est, as my rigid friends would say.

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