Donald Trump Confirms He Personally Fired Mark Shea

Bombshell: Donald Trump Confirms He Personally Fired Mark Shea

Written by Chris Jackson
8/24/16

As many of you know, the National Catholic Register recently fired Mark Shea. After his firing, Shea went on Facebook to allege various accusations most thought were mere conspiracy theories. Shea wrote:

The Register’s donor base is those folks, people who hate Francis and think Trump is awesome…The Register has to please these people and when they demand me as a human sacrifice, they have to do it or the money goes away. The excuse was my lack of charity. But the *reason* was because that mob hates Francis and love[s] Trump and I could not be tolerated.

Many laughed off Shea’s claims, figuring it them to be sour grapes. However, as it turns out, Shea had only revealed the tip of the iceberg. A-CNN’s Don Persiflage was granted an exclusive interview with Mr. Trump wherein the GOP nominee explains exactly what happened. Here is the transcript of the interview, which was aired earlier today on “The Deal with Don”:

Don: Thank you, Mr. Trump for agreeing to this interview. As you know Mark Shea, former writer for the National Catholic Register, recently alleged that their donor base thinks you are awesome and demanded him as a human sacrifice. Can you comment?

Mr. Trump: Well Don, it’s good to be here. Let me start by saying you should be thanking me for agreeing to appear on this show. Up till now you’ve had maybe 30- 40 viewers and that includes your extended family. With me on your show, your ratings will skyrocket, this I can tell you.
As for Mark Shea, this guy. You’ve got to see this guy. He claims to be a Catholic, but he hates Trump. Every time I turn around he’s calling me names. He’s nasty. A very nasty guy.

Don: Yes, you are correct. In fact, he has called you a “dimestore anti-christ”, a “fascist,” and implied you are Satan. Anything you’d like to say to him?

Mr. Trump: Yes. “You’re fired!” I did a service, Don, many people are calling it a service, to Catholics. The head of the Register, Michael Warsaw, is a friend of mine. We play golf at Mar-a-Lago. One day I happened to read something Mark wrote. It was by accident by the way. I was trying to get to Fox and Friends on my phone and I hit a link by accident. Anyway, it lead to this large guy with a beard and I’m like, who is this guy? The blog said he’s supposed to be “Catholic and Enjoying it.” But, after reading his blog, he is not enjoying it, believe me, he is not enjoying it.

Don: Why do you think he hates you so much?

Mr. Trump: I don’t know Don, you’ll have to ask him. But, as you know, I recently converted to Catholicism and I’m now running for Pope. I want to make the Catholic Church great again, Don, and some people don’t want to see the Catholic Church great again.

Don: Yes, A-CNN covered the memorable speech where you declared your candidacy for the papacy. But in that speech you said some controversial things that people like Mark Shea objected to. Let’s take a listen:

From Trump Speech on 18 February 2016:

That is why when I’m Pope we are going to make the priesthood great again.

(Cheers, applause)

We are going to make the priesthood so exclusive. I tell you. So exclusive and so special, you have no idea. We are going to have the best priests, the brightest priests. They will be lining up to enter the seminaries. And the seminaries will be the best seminaries, let me just tell you. No more dopey professors. The seminaries are a mess today, they’re a disgrace. You might as well have Bernie Sanders running our seminaries that’s how bad they are. They’re filled with dopey professors from the 60’s. Their brains are burnt from whatever they smoked. Who knows what they smoked back then, God only knows what they smoked. But they’ll be gone, I promise you, they’ll be gone.

(Cheers, applause)

They will be gone and the priesthood will be great once again. I will make the priesthood so exclusive. And you know how I’m going to do this? By building a rail. By building a great big beautiful altar rail in every single Catholic Church, that’s how.

(Cheers, applause)

A big beautiful altar rail separating laypeople like you and me from the priests. Of course, I’ll be on the other side of the rail, because I’ll be Pope, but you understand.

Don: Some like Mark Shea would say that you are an ordinationist who is discriminating against lay people in the sanctuary. Your thoughts?

Mr. Trump: Look, I’m all for laymen coming into the sanctuary. But they have to come into the sanctuary canonically. They have to be ordained. Otherwise, we’re not going to have a priesthood anymore Don. And, by the way, I have great respect for laypeople. Some of my best friends are laypeople. But I have laypeople come up to me and they say, “You know what? Trump’s right. We have to control our altars.” The altars are a mess, Don. Anyone and everyone is coming in to the sanctuary. Who are these people? Are they vetted? The truth is we have no idea who they are. And some of them are heretics. I have on good authority that heretical organizations, and these are not good guys by the way, these are nasty guys, are sending heretics into our sanctuaries. This will stop under a Trump papacy. We are going to build a big beautiful altar rail, Don. We have to. We have no choice.

Don: So, getting back to Mark Shea. You said you found his blog by accident and you started reading it?

Mr. Trump: So, I’m reading this guy’s blog. And this guy is a total loser by the way. He has no idea how to win. I win, that’s what I do. Who doesn’t like to win? For some reason this guy doesn’t like to win. Anyway, then I come across where he writes if you vote for Trump, you are choosing to make war on the Church, and I’m like, you know what? He’s got to go. He’s got to go, Don, I really had no choice.

So I call up my friend Mike Warsaw and I say, Mike, who is this guy? He’s constantly saying I’m a fascist, comparing me to Hitler, etc, etc. Mike says, yeah he’s goofy, but we don’t feel like looking for a replacement. I said Mike, I’d like to make a $50,000 donation to the Register. He said “he’s gone.” I said on one condition. He said “what?” I said, I get to call Shea myself and fire him. He said no problem. The next day I called up Shea and I said “you’re fired.” Best move I could have made for the newspaper.

Don: Really!? Fascinating. So you actually fired Mark Shea yourself? What did he say?

Mr, Trump: He let out a bunch of expletives. Really nasty guy. I just said, Mark…Mark…I have no choice. You’re fired.

Don: Did you have anything to do with Simcha Fisher’s firing?

Mr. Trump: You know, it’s really amazing. I’ve done nothing to this woman. Nothing mind you. And she’s out there calling me a bad father. Me!? A bad father. I have amazing kids, let me tell you. She’s out there saying I’m pro-choice, while she’s helping Hillary. She talks about the bible in her Register columns and pretends to be holy, but then on her Facebook page she’s talking about…not so nice stuff, ok. Not family stuff. She calls me a bad father yet she uses the foulest language on her Facebook page. Is she going to let her kids read that stuff? It’s really disgusting, let me tell you. She says I’m disgusting, but I haven’t said half the things she has on her page. So yeah, I called Mike and I fired her too. We can’t have our children reading the stuff she writes on a daily basis.

Don: This is incredible. So all the things Shea was saying after his firing were true after all?

Mr. Trump: No, he got it all wrong. It was not the donors who loved me who got him fired. It was me, period. He is trying to give other people all of the credit to get back at me. But nobody takes away my credit. I was completely and totally responsible for his firing and, like I said, I consider it a service to all Catholics. Mark needs a vacation. Maybe he can join Obama on vacation, he seems to like him.

Don: Mr. Trump, thank you so much for joining us.

Mr. Trump: You’re welcome, Don.

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One comment on “Donald Trump Confirms He Personally Fired Mark Shea

  1. This Jackson kid, he’s gonna be great. Great, I tell ya!

    Chris hit another grand slammer with this parody.

    Terrific imitation of Trump-speak.

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