Family Spokesman Confirms Donald Trump Was Received Into Catholic Church at Easter

BREAKING: Family Spokesman Confirms Donald Trump Was Received Into Catholic Church at Easter

Donald Trump, outside St. Michael’s Chapel on Long Island

Posted by Oakes Spalding at
April Fool’s Day 2016

Unbelievable. Utterly. I am almost without words (and that doesn’t happen very often). This campaign has got to go down in American history as the one of the weirdest on record.

I’m sure you’ve all seen this by now, but here are two of the most informative links:

Partial transcript of Donald Trump remarks after he briefly emerged from St. Michael’s Chapel to take questions, via Milo Yiannopoulos at Breitbart:

I want to thank you all very much. It’s been a really beautiful week. And I’m very excited. I know what’s on your mind so let me just say right now, I am going to Wisconsin tomorrow to campaign. I spoke with Ted Cruz last night by phone and offered my apologies for anything I might have said or done that may have offended him or his family in any way. He was very gracious. Very gracious. But I also let him know that being a Catholic doesn’t mean that I’m now going to be a loser. If anything, it’s exactly the opposite. He said he understood that.



Why did I convert? I converted because it was the right thing to do. But if you’re asking why I converted now, or converted here, it’s a little thing called the Traditional Mass. It’s a very special thing. A beautiful thing. The priests at SSPX have been really wonderful. And they showed me how the Catholic Church contained great things. And, of course Mordecai helped me along. I want to thank him and his lovely wife Elisheva, once again.


Well, that’s journalists for you. Already you’re starting to get nasty and ask nasty questions and do the confrontational thing. But I understand that and it’s okay. Was this a political calculation? What a question. I’m a truth-teller. And I’m not going to hide anything from the voters. So that’s your answer and I know you don’t like it. What a question. But it doesn’t surprise me.

And I’m also going to say this. And I know you’re not going to believe it but it’s true. Pope Francis called me on Tuesday to congratulate me. We spoke for a few minutes. We’ve had our differences but he’s a very gracious man. I told him I really appreciated one of his homilies that he gave a year or so ago (it’s here -Editor). I know there’s dissension in the Church right now, and that we might even be on different sides on some things. He thanked me for my criticism and said that he valued it. I told him I would pray for him.


Yes? I have to go back in there now. Father Pétain will be angry at me. But I will say this. And I know you’re going to laugh at it. And I don’t mean to be disrespectful. But look, Jesus was a dealmaker. I’m a dealmaker. He offered me a deal. And I took it. And let me tell you. It was the best deal I ever made. Thank you all very much.

From Yahoo News:

FARMINGVILLE, NY, April 1 (AP) – At a hastily assembled press conference on the grounds of St. Michael’s Chapel in Central Long Island, a spokesman for the Trump family confirmed that Mr. Trump had been received into the Catholic Church five days earlier in a closed ceremony.

The spokesperson, Mordecai Abramowitz, a longtime real estate associate of Trump and himself a Catholic convert from Judaism, was flanked by two priests from the Society of Saint Pius X. According to sources, the two priests had guided the Republican presidential candidate through the somewhat lengthy Catholic confirmation process.
Trump was attending a private one-day retreat in the chapel dormitories and could not be reached for comment.

The spokesperson also told reporters that Trump had already initiated annulment proceedings on his first two marriages. According to Abramowitz, Trump had assured the local SSPX chapter that he would be living with his current wife, Melania, as “brother and sister” in separate wings of his Florida mansion until the annulments could be completed under the new “fast track” procedure, perhaps as early as next week.

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6 comments on “Family Spokesman Confirms Donald Trump Was Received Into Catholic Church at Easter

  1. [More satire about The Donald – from a liberal source]

    Trump Will Attend Mother Angelica’s Funeral

    Posted by the editor at
    April Fool’s Day 2016

    Pray Tell has learned from inside the Donald Trump campaign, by a circuitous route with unlikely connections bordering on the miraculous, that Trump will attend the funeral Mass being held today in Alabama for Mother Mary Angelica of the Annunciation.

    “People say I have a woman problem, they’re wrong,” Trump said. “No one knows and loves Sister, or Mother, whatever, Angie more than me. She’s a leader, and I was the first to call it. I knew she was going places. I called it. I said, ‘She’s gonna make Catholicism great again.’

    “Look at the tabernacle and monstrance at her shrine– yeah, I know all about that stuff. They’re yuuge, like they’re outta Trump Tower. Pushes the altar in the shadows. Lotta people don’t know it, but I had this crazy outsized influence on her. It’s cuz I’m a leader.

    “Some people think you have to know stuff, details and facts and history, to lead. They’re losers. You just gotta land your message, like you’re punching something, and people follow. It’s what people need.”

    Jeffery Tucker, who is associated with the Libertarian Party in Alabama, told Pray Tell that Mother Angelica knew how to channel grassroots anger better than anyone else. “In AmChurch, lefty bureaucrats used to run everything. It’s a free church again in many ways, and that’s largely because of her.”

    Officials at EWTN and Mother’s Franciscan monastery declined to comment on Trump’s presence at the funeral.

  2. [Non-satire (but it should be satire) about another personality know to AQers – from the same liberal source]

    Damian Thompson: Confessions of an Ex-Traddie

    MAR 31 ’16
    Posted by Anthony Ruff, OSB, at

    Surely you remember Damian Thompson. Damian is highly opinionated about things liturgical – for example this on BCM (Bad Church Music), complete with some swipes at Pray Tell. (He seems to want us to be lefty-lightweight so he can oppose us – wonder what he thinks about all my posts on Latin chant or traditional polyphony?) Damian has been a loud voice, to say the least, for a “Benedictine” (the pope, not the religious order) style of liturgy.
    But now this: “Confessions of an ex-traddie,” his latest piece at Catholic Herald. I’m pretty sure Damian still supports the vision of Pope Benedict and still has “good taste,” which is to say a bit on the high or elitist side, in things artistic and ceremonial and musical. Great.

    But something is changing. As he puts it:

    In the past few years I’ve been reintegrated into the ordinary Catholic Church.

    It seems that something happened when he began attending the local church closest to his apartment. We read that this church has good music by Damian’s standards, and Benedictine mannerisms such as the candles across the front of the altar. Things are well done. But here’s the money quote:

    Lots of [the servers] are girls and at every Mass there are lay ministers of Holy Communion. The sign of peace can be quite exuberant. And it doesn’t bother me in the least. These are signs of the comforting “ordinariness” of worship that takes me back to my Catholic childhood.

    There it is – the reintegration. Now, Damian looks back fondly on Catholic worship a few decades ago, before the improvements under Pope Benedict:

    There was a warmth about the celebration of Mass and the welcome afterwards that was and is distinctively Catholic. (That I was too snooty to appreciate it was my loss.)

    Now, Damian takes a swipe at the over-the-top “Old Rite” (his term) carryings on of the Latin Mass Society:

    Not to be mean, but I’ve never seen so much flapping and semaphoring as I did at the last LMS Requiem I attended.

    Now, Damian speaks positively of the
    refreshing absence of High Church campery at the Oratory.

    What do you suppose is going on?

    I don’t know. I hesitate to do armchair psychology across the Atlantic. My first instinct is to be respectful of anyone in his faith journey. (I bet Damian doesn’t like that squishy term.) I don’t want to triangulate him or anyone else for “my side.” People have the freedom to zig zag all over. I’ve done my share of that, and I make no predictions where I next will zig or zag. Maybe someday Damian and I will meet in person and have a good visit about all this over coffee tea. (I’d start by confessing that I feel the same way when we get the short EP2, or the delay of the priest’s post-communion piety! Don’t tell my confessor.)

    I wonder, though, whether a significant voice like Damian’s isn’t emblematic of a larger trend afoot in the Catholic Church.

    Maybe it’s wishful thinking, but I wonder whether Pope Francis isn’t bringing about a certain normalization in things liturgical. In many ways, Francis is just a regular parish priest. This comes across as an affirmation of regular parish worship. And if that’s what Catholic looks like, then the weirdest of the traddie fringe stuff, the strangest of the Tridentine pretending and prancing around, is seen for what it is.

    Let us hope that that would still leave plenty of room for good taste and beautiful music and well-done ritual – Damian and I are of one mind on that, I believe. But: all that has to be – I don’t know how else to put it – normal.

    Anyway. Do go read Damian’s essay. It sure is well-written, complete with great lines such as “Come on in … it’s awful!”

    (One caveat: at the Easter Vigil one comes into full communion with the Catholic Church, not with the Holy See!)

  3. MSNBC’s Chris Matthews to Undergo Exorcism for Pro-Abortion Maneuver in Trump Interview

    April 1, 2016

    National Catholic Distorter

    Washington, D.C. – The Archdiocese of Washington announced today that MSNBC Hardball host Chris Matthews will undergo the rite of Exorcism for a deceptive and shameless pro-abortion maneuver in a recent interview with Donald Trump. Father Lankester Merrin, S.J., of the Maryland Province of the Society of Jesus, will be brought out of retirement to perform the exorcism. He will be assisted by Father Damien Karras, S.J., a Jesuit psychiatric counselor at Georgetown University. Father Karras is younger and more athletic and is being brought in in case Matthews becomes combative or performs any dangerous aerial levitation stunts during the exorcism.

    Jesuit dynamic duo to be re-united for exorcism of demoniac pro-abortion shiller Chris Matthews

    “He will be strapped down, ” Father Karras said, “in case he gets spastic, testy, or overly aggressive. I saw the interview.” MSNBC will streamlive the exorcism live.

    “We expected this, ” Donald Trump commented, “and, frankly, it is long overdue. Matthews is a totally overrated clown and possessed according to authorities from his church. I can tell you, what makes this case really sad is that he’s a Holy Cross graduate. Now I’m more Catholic than Chris Matthews on abortion. There’s something strange going on here and we’ve got to figure out what the hell is going on. I’m just glad to hear that he is finally going to get some help for that problem and it’s a hell of a problem, that I can tell you.”

  4. Well, I just told my wife that I thought I got the Trumpster’s language down adequately but then I read this post and it put me to shame. Great job. “THAT I can tell you!”

    • Senator (and Former Presidential Candidate) Rand Paul Plays April Fools’ Prank Regarding ‘YUGE’ Endorsement

      By Jason Devaney | Friday, 01 Apr 2016

      Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul said Friday he was playing an April Fools’ Day prank when he hinted at making a “YUGE” endorsement, likely referring to Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump.

      Paul posted a series of messages on Twitter Thursday, teasing his “major endorsement announcement.”

      Friday morning, however, Paul Tweeted he was being an April 1 jokester.

      Paul was having a little fun at Trump’s expense, who is known for pronouncing the word “huge” as sounding like “yuge.”

      Paul joined the presidential race last April, but suspended his campaign after a poor showing in the Feb. 1 Iowa caucuses.

      He said in late February he would support the GOP nominee for president, but would not officially endorse anyone.

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