Discoveries Eliminating Catholic Dogmas

Discoveries Eliminating Catholic Dogmas

Posted by St. Corbinian’s Bear at
Posted April Fool’s Day 2016

Discovery of South America Nixes Church Dogma


According to Pope Emeritus Benedict, the Church dogma of extra ecclesiam nulla salus, or “no salvation outside the Church,” was abolished because of the discovery in 1500 by Portuguese explorer Pedro Álvares Cabral of what would become Brazil.

“There is no doubt that at this point, we are faced with a profound evolution of dogma,” said the ex-pontiff, due to “the discovery of the new world.” The remarks came in an interview conducted last year, but only just published in the Italian Bishops’ Conference organ Avvenire.

An unnamed cardinal conceded the point. “We had a pretty sweet thing going until that idiot Portuguese Captain Cabral found all those people who weren’t Catholic. Never since its beginning had the Church been faced with a whole world to evangelize. Everyone was like, ‘How were those all those natives in the New World saved, huh?’ We tried to finesse it. ‘They weren’t,’ or, ‘Their conscience,’ or ‘What, you didn’t see the end of Apocalyto?’ But obviously, the choice was give up extra ecclesiam nulla salus or look like heartless idiots.”

Planet X: Contraception-Killer?


Many are speculating that other infallible dogmas may have been lost due to discoveries. The Bear’s sources in the BioParc di Roma say that Watson and Crick’s discovery of the DNA double-helix in 1953 eliminated the dogma of Purgatory. This year’s discovery of Planet X in our solar system may have taken out the Church’s rules on contraception.

Sources close to Pope Francis say he will announce “sometime this year” that the discovery of Eva Peron’s body in a Milan crypt in 1971 eliminated Hell from the shrinking list of dogmas. However, the papacy itself is not immune to evolution. The Vatican is scrambling to salvage Papal Infallibility. “The Higgs-Boson particle in 2012 is a challenge, frankly. We’re worried,” said one source close to Pope Francis who did not wish to be identified.

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