Advice to Pope Francis From an Old Show-Biz Bear

Advice to Pope Francis From an Old Show-Biz Bear

Posted by St. Corbinian’s Bear at

The Bear has not followed this year’s Francis Foot Follies, and is better for it. But, as an old show-Bear, he has some words of advice for his fellow entertainer.

Dear Pope Francis:

You can’t keep doing Shock Art, for the simple reason that it isn’t shocking after the first time, maybe second. The Bear doesn’t know how to break this to you, holy Father, but the house is half empty, and there are scattered boos. You are in danger of being remembered as “that Pope who did the foot thing.” What’s it going to be next year? “The Mandada?” A Dadist production where you wash a toaster, the feet of an empty chair, your own feet, and a Victorian elephant’s foot umbrella stand?

At this point, what difference would it make? You broke the Mandatum, you bought it and now you own it. But washing people’s feet isn’t exactly the Superbowl commericals, if you know what the Bear means. Yawn. Bad photo-op, worse video. You look like a Shoe Carnival employee on Halloween.

Do you really want to be the Dexy’s Midnight Runners of popes?

And the “underprivileged group of the year” gimmick looks — not saying it is — insincere. Remember when you were all like, “the poor people, the poor people!” Now I’m hearing the poor people asking, “what’s up with Pope Francis? We were like special. He loved us the best. Gave us haircuts. Now, all you hear about are refugees.” Don’t you see the same problems? The Bear bets next year it will be victims of Facebook bullying.

Your schtick is just stale. Even the Remnant is running Pope Leo XIII casserole recipes instead of giving you any copy.

But you can do, this, Papa Frank! The Bear gives you Robert Downey, Jr. In the ’90s he was a dope fiend who couldn’t stay out of jail. Today? The highest paid actor in Hollywood. You can do the same. The Bear knows it. But you’ve got to listen to your ursine friend here.

You need to reboot your pontificate. What would be really shocking would be if you started talking like Pius XII. Kick the tires on the old sedia gestatoria (metaphorically speaking). Put on that beehive tiara. Reinvent yourself as Francis the Orthodox. Francis the Hammer of Heretics. Francis the Arch-Enemy of Islam. Send your Kasper claque back to Oktoberfest and read some real Catholic stuff. The Bear bets the SSPX would be happy to help you out. As would, of course, the Bear.

Come out with a couple of new releases — the Bear means encyclicals (short!) — and clinch the deal. Sell it!

The Bear feels that, as a miraculous 1300-year-old walking, talking second class relic, his talents are underused by the Church. As in not at all. Come On Eileen. Just sayin’.

Let’s talk.

Your obedient servant,
St. Corbinian’s Bear

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