Leaked Documents Reveal Vatican Officials Blew Entire Peter’s Pence On Beanie Babies

Leaked Documents Reveal Vatican Officials Blew Entire Peter’s Pence On Beanie Babies

NOVEMBER 5, 2015 BY EOTT (Eye Of The Tiber) ADMIN

The Vatican’s leaks scandal intensified Tuesday after a book detailing the millions of euros Vatican officials used to purchase Beanie Babies and in-app Clash of Clans upgrades was published.

Although “Merchants in the Temple,” by journalist Roberto Nuzzi is due out Thursday, EOTT was able to obtain an advance copy. Its publication comes just days after the Vatican announced the arrests of two high-ranking officials who reportedly spent close to € 157,000 on pogs.

The arrests of the Vatican officials marks a new chapter in what many are calling “Vatileaks,” which began in 2012 and peaked with the conviction of Pope Benedict XVI’s butler on charges he spent upwards of 3.7 million euros on Super Soakers, Tickle Me Elmos, and Slap Bracelets.

After Benedict retired, Francis was elected with a mandate from his fellow cardinals to reform the Vatican bureaucracy and clean up its finances. He set out to create a commission of experts to gather information from all Vatican offices to see where the money was going.
“Holy Father…there is a complete absence of transparency in the bookkeeping both of the Holy See and the Governorate,” five auditors wrote Francis in 2013, according to Nuzzi’s book. “Costs are out of control and it is quite difficult to meet with anyone, due to the fact that many in the Vatican are often too busy playing Candy Crush.”

It goes on to mention that Vatican officials had spent all of 2014’s Peter’s Pence money in just over two months on Clash of Clans gem upgrades.

“Every day I walk the streets of Rome and see the homeless and other citizens of this city,” one anonymous Vatican official told EOTT. “Not on purpose…I mean I’m not trying to see them. I’d rather not see them, but since the homeless and other Romans are there walking, I am often forced to look up so I do not trip, but when I look up, I begin to lose in Clash of Clans. When I lose, I need to spend more money on the app. Since it is typically the fault of a drunk homeless man bumping into me on my way to work, then it should be the homeless man that pays for the in-app purchase. But they have no money, so I simply take it from Peter’s Pence. And like that, we are even. It all makes sense now?”

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3 comments on “Leaked Documents Reveal Vatican Officials Blew Entire Peter’s Pence On Beanie Babies

  1. Illuminati Kidnap Papal Kermit the Frog Puppet
    Holly Beth McQuackly
    National Catholic Distorter
    November 7, 2015

    Vatican City – In a move that is shocking even in terms of anti-religious warfare, the Illuminati have kidnapped the Pope’s Kermit the Frog hand puppet that was presented to him as a diplomatic gift during his visit to the United States. The cotton herpetological hand puppet is being held at an undisclosed location in Europe as the esoteric occult order known for its secrecy and ruthless Machiavellianism has sent ransom demands to the Holy See.

    As the story went to press rumors were circulating that the occult order is demanding the text of the real Third Secret of Fatima and a statue of Zeus from the Vatican Museum. The Holy Father is reported to be calm but grieved at the loss of the popular Kermit the Frog puppet that was to be used in the liturgy at World Youth Day.
    Reports that Cardinal Kasper’s Elmo puppet had also been kidnapped could not be confirmed.

    The Elmo puppet was last seen early Wednesday

    Father Guido Sarducci, S.J., a professor of moral theology at the Gregorian University in Rome and a seasoned Vatican observer, said that the Pope’s advisors are considering their options.
    “It’s a difficult situation. We haven’t verified all of the facts yet. First of all, Cardinal Kasper is denying that he even had an Elmo hand puppet which leads t the question of whose Elmo puppet was kidnapped. So we will be asking all of the Cardinals to get this sorted out.”

  2. Pope’s Kidnapped Kermit the Frog Puppet Calls the Vatican
    Holly Beth McQuackly
    National Catholic Distorter
    November 9, 2015

    Vatican City – NCD Rome Bureau
    The Vatican received a telephone call from the kidnappers of the beloved papal Kermit the Frog hand puppet who was to be used for the World Youth Day liturgy. Kermit was allowed on the phone for a few seconds to say that he was OK but that he would like to be returned soon. The kidnappers have identified themselves as initiates of the Illuminati, the esoteric occult order pushing for population control and global socialism. Reports from the Rome Bureau claim that Pope Francis is calm but concerned about the welfare of the kidnapped puppet who was reported to have been taken by shadowy figures in dark hooded robes sometime last week.

    Kermit the Frog kidnapped by Illuminati in Rome, not seen in over a week

    Monsignor Antonio Borgia Fettucine, S.T.L., a professor of theology at the Gregorian University in Rome, has been studying the issues surrounding the kidnapping. “Obviously, this is quite disturbing. Europe is in crisis. There is a serious migrant crisis in Germany, Austria, Hungary, and other European countries. We are also struggling with the effects of global warming and climate change. But we can’t have occult secret societies kidnapping Sesame Street puppets, as if the streets of Europe are no longer safe for Kermit and Elmo.”

    Hans Jürgen von Merkwürdigliebe, Press Spokesman for the Order of Illuminati, speaking from Illuminati headquarters in Ingolstadt, Bavaria, would neither confirm nor deny that the occult order had kidnapped the pope’s Kermit the Frog puppet. “We’re an esoteric order that takes secrecy very seriously. If we did kidnap the Pope’s Kermit puppet and Cardinal Kasper’s Elmo puppet, they are both fine for the moment, but are being forced to watch episodes of The View around the clock in an underground dungeon somewhere in Paris. But I can’t confirm that one or the other. ” When asked when the two puppets would be released, Doctor von Merkwürdigliebe said that he was too busy at the moment distributing copies of Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason to migrants rioting in Bavaria to comment further.

    Reports that Elmo was seen at a shopping mall in Strasbourg, France, could not be confirmed

    The Rome News Bureau asked Father Guido Sarducci, S.J. a professor of moral theology at the Gregorian University in Rome, if the Vatican had received any updates on how Kermit is doing.
    “We have good men out in the field searching. We have been praying. It’s a time of great crisis.
    There were some reports that Kermit and Elmo were seen partying with Bert and Ernie at a casino in Monte Carlo, but that hasn’t been confirmed, so we should resist being taken in by wild rumors. We are studying the situation. On the bright side, we will be having a conference exploring the neo-Kantian hermeneutics of the search for Kermit the Frog coming up. Top scholars in neo-Kantian and 19th-century Idealist epistemology will be flying in for this conference at the Gregorian. A couple of the Lonergan guys from Toronto and Boston College will be presenting papers for this conference. It should be streamlined live, so check the website and join in the ecumenical dialogue.”

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