Top Ten List of things for which to be grateful under this pontificate.
10. Plastic clown nose factory employment up 18% in Rome.
9. Blessing of beach balls poolside a growing evangelization trend.
8. Cong. for Cause of Saints secretly working overtime to clear paperwork for beatification of Abp. Lefebvre, Fr. Gomer de Pauw, Bp. de Castro-Mayer, Michael Davies and Ronald Reagan. (Code name: Operation: “HEY, THEY WARNED US – SO!”)
7. Worst school districts in US and EU cheered by prominence of junk science, intergalactic stupidity and Khmer Rouge-style politics implicit in forthcoming eco-wacko-lical. (“At last, somebody’s even less qualified, stupider and more egotistical than us,” claims Detroit school supervisor.)
6. Many bishops who’d otherwise be shutting down architecturally magnificent churches that host TLM now preoccupied with keeping their jobs as pope appoints more feminazi inquisitors to hunt them down.
5. Children fleeing video games to read – yes, actually read! – latest news from Rome being discussed on trad blogs. “Yeah, this stuff is way funnier than playin’ stupid Mario all day,” says Oxnard fifth grader whose reading test scores have risen dramatically ever since the Synod last October.
4. Sexploitative TV producers pulling hair out over plummeting ratings following “Mass on the Beach in Rio” during WYD. “It’s just like Dire Straits said, man,” an addlepated biker gang member remarked recently. “Da pope wants handouts and we can check out amazing girls on EWTN in the middle of the day, y’dig? Get it? ‘Money for nuthin’ and yer chix for free!’ ”
3. Raymond Arroyo is still working. Brian Williams ain’t.
2. George Weigel too dumbfounded to even appear on TV anymore.
And, the Number One Reason for which trads should all be glad is…..
(Drumroll, please, Paul)
1. GUNS & AMMO reports dramatic rise in gun permits issued to outraged cardinals – who are also buying fully armored limos at an unprecedented rate – heading into next October’s Synod.
“This ain’t gonna be just some Ladies Aide Society meeting, no sir!,” one fuming curial official told reporters. “We’re locked, loaded and ready to rumble. Bring it on!”