Pope Francis Canonizes Single Turkey In Annual Vatican Tradition

From The Onion:

VATICAN CITY—Declaring the 10-pound bird worthy of the church’s veneration to a crowd of thousands in St. Peter’s Square, Pope Francis celebrated a hallowed tradition on Thursday by canonizing a turkey from a local farm, a Thanksgiving ritual dating back more than three centuries to the pontificate of Innocent XII. “Dear brothers and sisters, it is my deepest joy today to present the life and witness of this humble bird to the Church and welcome him to cluck and cackle among the saints in God’s Kingdom of Heaven,” Pope Francis recited in accordance with the teaching of the Second Vatican Council, invoking the name of God three times before inscribing the newly beatified bird, named St. Gobbler, in the catalogue of saints. “Like those who came before, this pure and simple bird lived a life in consecration of Christ the Lord, his gentle gobbles spreading goodness and grace throughout Applewood Farms. May this noble and dignified bird forever bear witness to the Glory of God on earth and shine light in the hearts of the faithful on this most holy day.” Vatican sources say the ceremony was far less controversial than last year’s posthumous canonization of St. Wattle, a 23-pound wild turkey who was burned alive as a heretic in 1690.

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11 comments on “Pope Francis Canonizes Single Turkey In Annual Vatican Tradition

  1. This has to be the most stupid false tale outside of Satan Claws that I have ever heard.

  2. I say!
    But I don’t have the energy to research Bergoglio’s past for signs of Satanic initiation cum obsession. The above is not stupidity or any form of benign innocence. It is sneering hate, so don’t blame Vatican II for this little number.
    Is B16, the bishop dressed in white, still thanking heaven that hell and Satan do not exist?

  3. “Pope Francis celebrated a hallowed tradition Thursday…” Too bad it wasn’t the traditional Latin Mass that he celebrated. But this child of Vatican II doesn’t know what Tradition really means since he has drunk of the Vatican II kool-aid. What a horrible insult to those who truly value Tradition. You won’t get any props from me, Jorge.

  4. I have to admit I thought this post was a joke but it brought to mind this thought: How many more turkeys will he canonize before he’s done?

  5. This is a joke, right? Not really funny, since it is something that this pope could conceivably do. Thanksgiving Day is rightly ignored by the pre-conciliar Church because it is a Protestant tradition, and simply a “local” secular tradition in a never-Catholic country. I don’t know, but it would not surprise me if there is an optional Novus Ordo “mass” for Thanksgiving Day for the North American dioceses.

  6. I think there is, cf.

    And the entrance antiphon may be that tune Sean Hannity’s radio show begins with…

    “We’ll put a boot in yer a**, it’s the American way!”

  7. This shows the Vatican today is an insane asylum whose inmates are ruled by the warden Satan himself.

  8. This is not the “First Turkey” canonized by this group ! By the way who was the Turkey??

  9. As far as I’m concerned Poop Vergoglio I can shove the turkey up his you-know-what.

  10. The Onion is a website whose directors take an oath to inject themselves with heroin no less than three times a day every day.

  11. well kinda like a lot of people who have been or are up for canonization as of late

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