Back to your regular dose of humour…


Back in the days when Anglicanorum Coetibus had been released but none of the Ordinariates had yet been set up, I did some internet research and noticed that the Episcopal/Anglican parishes that might come into the Ordinariate tended to describe themselves in similar ways online. The Muse then pushed a button and the following parody flowed from my fingertips.

Welcome to St Thomas of Canterbury Anglicatholic Church, where we’re formal, friendly, and faithful both to the Bishop of Rome and the Anglican tradition of worship.

On an average Sunday here at STCAC, the worshiper will find a great number of services to satisfy both his canonical obligation and Christian duty to worship God in the beauty of his holiness, decently and in order, at both the Divine Office and the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. For those who prefer to observe the traditional Eucharistic fast from midnight or who may need to work later in the day, we offer two low Masses, the first according to the Extraordinary Form of the Roman Rite at 5:30 AM and the other according to Sarum Use at 6:15 AM. While we have obtained permission from the Sacred Congregation in Rome for the lessons at these services to be read in the vernacular, such permission is superfluous for they are muttered so silently that no one can hear them. For those who prefer sung services, Matins or Morning Prayer begins promptly at 8:30 followed by the Great Litany in Advent, Septuagesima, Lent, and on other days of fasting or abstinence. At Matins and Lauds we typically follow Sarum Use translated into the hieratic style of the Prayer Book by the Reverend Palmer, but modified in accordance with Pope St. Pius X’s 1911 reforms of the weekly psalter. At High Mass which follows, we typically celebrate according to Sarum Use enriched with certain beloved prayers from the Prayer Book tradition, including the Prayer for the Whole State of Christ’s Church (always changing indifferently to impartially), the Comfortable Words, the Confession, the Absolution, and the Peace, all immediately after the Sermon, as well as Archbishop Cranmer’s Post-Communion. In times of penitence, the celebrant uses the Roman Canon in silence, whilst on other days he says a modified Prayer Book Canon, adding prayers for the Pope, the Sovereign, the Bishop, and the dead, as well as an elaborate and explicit epiclesis. We likewise typically follow the Roman colour scheme at these services, with the addition of blue vestments for feasts of Our Lady, yellow for feasts of Confessors, and ashen grey for Passiontide. High Mass is always followed by the chanting of the Angelus as well as prayers for the ascension of the House of Wittelsbach to the throne of St. Edward.

On most Sundays and Holy Days of the year, we reassemble as a community of faith for an organ recital at 4:45 PM followed by sung Evening Prayer or Vespers at 5:15 PM. This service usually follows that prescribed by the 1662 Prayer Book with an added first versicle for the Supreme Pontiff: God bless the Pope: And let not the Gates of Hell prevail against him. Benediction of the Blessed Sacrament usually follows. On those days when we add a solemn Compline after Benediction, the Nunc Dimittis at Evening Prayer is replaced either by the Phos Hilarion or the New Testament Canticle of the 1975 Liturgia Horarum taken from the Authorized Version. The clergy who assist in choir at our evening services always wear cassock, gown, tippet, bands, and catercap, in accordance with the tradition of the Anglican patrimony.

In addition to our weekly cycle of liturgies, our parish also enjoys a rich devotional life. On Wednesdays at noon, please join us for public recitation of the rosary. On Fridays throughout the year and all ferial days of Lent, we pray the Stations of the Cross at 3 PM followed by Evensong. On Fridays in Lent, thereafter follows a soup supper and book study. Finally, on Saturday mornings after Mass, our local chapter of the Archconfraternity prays a perpetual novena to both St. Philomena and St. Charles, King and Martyr. Because we are Christians in full communion with the See of Rome, Bible study is officially discouraged but not forbidden.

Childcare is available for all children under the age of five at the principle services each Sunday and major Holy Day. Those adults who feel called to volunteer in the nursery are encouraged to join our local chapter of the Confraternity of St. Nicholas of Myra, patron of children, harlots, and apothecaries.

Because STCAC is a growing community welcoming of all people, we invite you to join us as we work together to build God’s Kingdom on earth. With your help, we hope in time to have more registered laity than clergy, staff, and paid choir members combined.

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2 comments on “Humor

  1. Do these folks formally RENOUNCE their heresies as a condition of becoming Catholic – or does that just get swept under the ecumaniacal rug?

  2. Darrin: I see no mention of a golf outing there, but you said these were Episcopalians?

    Second Darrin: He’s right, Sam. There should be a golf outing if we’re dealing with Episcopalians.

    Father Sarducci, S.J.: OK, like, we have a BIG problem now because
    we have two Darrins, an ontological dilemma for which there is no authority to
    provide a resolution within Episcopalianism.
    Who ya gonna call, right?

    Samantha: Darrin, honey, and Darrin, there’s no way to resolve this ontological problem in Wiccanism either!

    Kirk: Mister Spock, two Darrins and no mention of a golf outing for Episcopalians…

    Spock: These are two different and separate ontological problems and dilemmas, Captain:
    The ontological duplication of Darrin in the Darrin Stephens doppelgänger and the omission of any mention of golf within an Episcopalian context.
    In order to grasp the nature of this situation, we would have to review Plato’s Theory of Ideas and Aristotle’s Law of Identity.

    Kirk: But there is no reigning or central authority for reaching a resolution of this matter?

    Greg Brady: Jan, you can’t run away now, I need you to hide my copy of The Summa Theologiae of St. Thomas Aquinas
    and St. Anselm’s Proslogion before the government agents get here!
    They’ve been listening to my phone calls and I think they overheard me talking about Mom and Mayor Lindsay.
    Jan: Alright, Greg. But I’m worried about my karma and what are we doing here?

    Spock: Affirmative, Captain.
    Within Episcopalianism there would be no way to determine if any hylomorphic structure or ontological reality inheres in either of the two Darrins.
    However, the absence of any mention of golf has raised concerns. We should analyze this privation and omission with Aristotelian logic to determine what it might mean and to diagram the hypothetical propositions relating to its logical and ontological conditions and possibilities within Episcopalian hermeneutics.

    Kirk: So what do we do, go to the nearest country club or golf course
    and poll the members for their opinions?

    Darrin: That’s a good idea, Larry!
    Public opinion is a good basis for starting any campaign.

    Spock: The clubs, carts, and golf balls, undoubtedly, would be considered real, Captain.
    However, whether any ontological reality or substance were underlying either of the two Darrins, or you or I,
    would be considered a matter of opinion and belief, Captain.
    The Archbishop of Canterbury would take great aims in avoiding any conclusion
    regarding this ontological and metaphysical question.

    Kirk: How could anyone run a ship like that, Spock?

    Spock: The Captain has raised an interesting question, Mister Scott,
    and one we should consider very carefully with Aristotelian logic and epistemology.

    Scotty: Alright, Mister Spock, I’ll drink to that!
    I’m just a Presbyterian and couldn’t tell you the difference between David Hume and Davy Jones.
    But while your fiddling with your Aristotelian Square of Opposition, let’s take the ship to St Andrews and practice putting while we’re sorting this out.

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