Patheos [Blog] Nabs New Bloggers: Obama, Romney, Ryan
Acts of the Apostasy (AoftheAP)
September 17, 2012
(AoftheAP) Super-cool religious webportal Patheos announced late Sunday that they had reached terms with President Obama, Republican presidential candidate Romney and vice-presidential candidate Ryan, to commence publishing their own blogs at the ultra-hipster site. Terms haven’t been disclosed to the media, but it is believed that all proceeds generated by traffic to their blogs will go to their respective campaigns, with perhaps a little extra thrown in to pay for Sandra Fluke’s contraception.
Sources told AoftheA News that Obama will publish at the Progressive Christian portal, Romney will be found at the Mormon portal, and Ryan will join the bloggers at the Catholic portal. The titles of their blogs haven’t been revealed, but anonymous sources indicate that Obama is deciding between “Let Me Perfectly Clear…” and “Virtual Beer Summit”.
Rocky N. Roland, Director of Marketing for mega-awesome Patheos, issued a short statement on his Facebook page: “We’re so totally excited about the newest bloggers joining our incredible knock-out roster! This is going to generate soooo much revenue….I mean, this is is going to expand the reach of the candidates and bring the campaign directly into our virtual community, where the dialogue is always respectful, even-tempered and representative of what’s best about the Internet! It’s not about the money Patheos will get from the additional traffic. Forget I said the word ‘revenue‘. Please.”
Sources from each campaign, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told AoftheA that the candidates wanted to try a different approach in reaching the on-line religious communities. The candidates wanted to get their messages out in a new format, by directly associating themselves with the most excellent web portal in the universe. It will just be the latest method to connect with voters during this hotly contested campaign, to show readers how faith and religion has impacted their lives. And perhaps set the record straight on issues many voters may still be unsure about.
“It’s hard to believe that after nearly four years, so many Americans still believe that President Obama is not a Christian,” a source from within his campaign said. “Well, this blog will prove it. He’ll quote Scripture, he’ll post photos of himself and his family sitting in a pew somewhere, he’ll talk about that Jesus guy, and he’ll write about how everyone who votes for Romney and his crazy cult-like religion might end up in Hell. It’ll be good stuff.
“Besides,” the source continued, “we’re getting a bit tired about having those weird nuns touting our campaign all the time. We felt this would be a good way to take greater command of our message, whatever that message needs to be depending on whichever crisis, which will basically be, vote for the cultish freak and you will be damned for eternity.”
The Romney campaign wouldn’t speak directly to AoftheA for the purposes of this article. Rather, the campaign issued the following statement: “Candidates Romney and Ryan are excited to join the spectacularly phenomenal Patheos team and the Mormon and Catholic portals, respectively. Given how President Obama has nearly destroyed the US economy, has utterly failed at US foreign policy, and has refused to take any responsibility for the problems facing this nation, we won’t be surprised if he screws up Patheos as well. Which would be too bad, because it really is a rocking site.”
One big question remains: Where’s Vice-President Biden? Does he get a blog too? Ima Biggs-Tarr, head of the Ecumenism Outreach department at Patheos, told AoftheA News that, yes, Biden will be blogging at Patheos within a couple weeks. “We’re launching a new portal at our first-rate, far-out site, and Vice-President Joe Biden will be our inaugural blogger at it, as soon as it debuts.
“It’ll be the Dummy Portal. Not a ‘Religion for Dummies‘ Portal. Just, the Dummy Portal. Perfect, doncha think?”